Service Crew for Minute Angel Burger Delight Machine, Duties and Functions

F. Jordan Carnice

The Service Crew of Minute Angel Burger Delight Machine (MABDM of Calcetta Company Ltd.) commits to perform the following responsibilities under the direct supervision of his or her supervisor as provided in contract (see separate file), to wit:

a. Works on weekends, holidays, and the pre-apocalypse
b. Prays over the machine
c. Listens only to the machine, no exceptions
d. Views the workplace as paradise for all because the divine is in the details approved by management
e. Attends the prescribed in-house or third-party training set by corporate and re-echoes learning to ears that have long shut down
f. Complies with directives of supervisor, stays within his or her shadow, becomes the shadow
g. Submits required reports on the tiniest details: dents on appliances and equipment, grime gathering on grout, the missing centavo, the ghost that howls in the bathroom
h. Monitors performance of colleague: speed of walk, arm-reach, curses under the breath
i. Oversees daily operations (with emphasis on “daily”)
j. Provides quality customer service to all customers—the customer is not only right but the customer is also the coin
k. Limits the use of words (that are not limited to) “break”, “grievance”, and “raise”
l. Answers queries and complaints with the patience of a rope (when it takes the shape of a noose, contact immediate superior immediately)
m. Cascades official communications to colleagues, to vendors, to the walls, to the staccato calls of the clock
n. Manages and secures the assigned inventory, locks oneself with said inventory when necessary
o. Keeps all stock in the right temperature—in case of power outage, keeps all meat in the right temperature
p. Thinks ahead of time more than the oracle could ever do
q. Disposes rubbish and leftovers before roving errant noses and ravenous mouths appear from the fringes
r. Overrides biometric exceptions and registers manually when all else fails—presence must be recorded for the great seeing eye sometimes misses
s. Assesses the skies and the possibility of inclement weather to better adjust dreams, expectations
t. Functions as supervisor when direct communication to immediate superior and/or corporate are unavailable for more than an hour; this is the only chance to become god
u. Allows the image of an angel to be tattooed on left side of chest, close to the heart
v. Greets approaching customer or customers: “Blessed burger every minute!” (Mondays to Fridays), “Dive into the divine delight!” (Saturdays and Sundays)
w. Bids good-bye to departing customer or customers: “Please come back to the machine!”
x. Performs other tasks that may be assigned by supervisor (i.e. dance a Zumba routine when you are told to, sing for functions when you are told to, donate for the death of the CEO’s child when you are told to)
y. Believes in what the man in the top floor reaches for
z. Serves burgers hot and juicy and holy