Performance Review: God

EMPLOYEE NAME: God (Various Aliases: Yahweh, Allah, the Almighty, etc.)

POSITION: Creator/Manager, Universe Division

REVIEWER: Dana Wall, Human Resources (Deceased)

REVIEW PERIOD: Eternity–Present

DATE: After

SECTION 1: LEADERSHIP AND TEAM DEVELOPMENT

Rating: 1/5 (Does Not Meet Expectations)

God shows favoritism (“Chosen People” policy) and has failed to foster an inclusive workplace environment. God routinely assigns projects without follow-up or follow-through. The promotion process lacks transparency—Jesus was elevated to co-manager role without position first receiving an internal posting. This raises concerns over God’s integrity and engagement in nepotism.

Specific Examples:

• Delegation Issues: Delegates major projects (Free Will) then penalizes employees for decisions made within delegated authority (Original Sin).
• Unclear Expectations: Employees receive contradictory guidance. Old Testament policies (eye for an eye) contradict New Testament directives (turn the other cheek).
• Conflict Resolution: Sodom and Gomorrah incident demonstrates inability to handle personnel issues without resorting to punitive action (destruction of entire departments).
• Nepotism Concerns: Jesus (God’s son) given co-equal authority without demonstrated qualifications. While Jesus showed strong interpersonal skills (loaves/fishes, water/wine), elevation appears based on family connection rather than merit.

   

Areas of Improvement:

God must complete mandatory leadership training. Modules needing immediate attention: Active Listening, Constructive Feedback, and Creating Psychologically Safe Workplaces.

SECTION 2: MANAGEMENT

Rating: 2/5 (Meets Most Expectations)

While God demonstrates strong vision in the initial Creation phase (particularly Days 1–6) of Earth project, follow-through has been inconsistent. The seventh day “rest” has extended indefinitely. Subsequent management of Earth operations shows a pattern of absenteeism, unclear communication, and failure to address employee concerns in a timely manner.

Specific Examples:

• Project Management: Original project (Garden of Eden) was small, manageable. After snake incident, God pivoted to flood (Genesis), then to Chosen People strategy, then to Jesus Plan, then to Second Coming™ (release date TBD). Each pivot introduced new complexity without resolving original issues..
• Communication: Indirect, vague, and obtuse language are hallmarks of God’s communication efforts. Of note, the “Burning Bush” incident represents outdated communication methodology. 
• Safety Protocols: Job situation raised serious concerns re: workplace harassment. Allowing direct reports (Satan) to torture employees as “test of faith” violates multiple OSHA regulations.

   

Areas of Improvement:

God needs to work on being present and adhere to standards. The “mysterious ways” approach to management creates confusion and low morale among direct reports. Employees feedback cites feeling micromanaged (Ten Commandments) while simultaneously abandoned (post-Crucifixion silence). Recommend use of modern communication tools (email, Slack etc.—see Section 3).

SECTION 3: COMMUNICATION

Rating: 1/5 (Does Not Meet Expectations)

God fails to communicate to standards or needs of employees. God is inconsistent, unclear, and often uses unvetted proxies (prophets, burning bushes, dreams) to deliver his messages. This has led to:

• Multiple religions claiming exclusive contracts with management
• Holy wars over interpretation of memos
• Inequitable geographic comms results in disproportionate concentration of miracles in Middle East region circa 0–100 CE. Africa, Asia. The Americas received minimal management attention until colonizers arrived claiming divine mandate.
• Schisms, crusades, and jihads

   

Last Verified Communication: Approximately 2,000 years ago (Jesus). Since then, silence despite:

• 3,847 genocides
• 2 world wars
• Pandemics
• Climate crisis
• The Holocaust

   

Employees have filed repeat requests for clarification. God has marked these as “read” but has not responded.

Areas of Improvement: 

As also recommended in Section 1, God must complete mandatory leadership training modules and attend HR hosted communication seminars.

SECTION 4: INNOVATION AND ADAPTABILITY

Rating: 3/5 (Meets Expectations)

Credit where due: The universe is an impressive product. Light/Darkness division shows strong organizational thinking. Of particular note, Photosynthesis is genuinely innovative.

However, God has yet to iterate on initial design despite obvious flaws:

• Cancer: Still unpatched after thousands of years of user complaints
• Childhood mortality: No response to support tickets (see above)
• Menstruation: Unclear why this design choice persists
• Mosquitoes: Serve no purpose. Uselessness confirmed on multiple occasions; remain in production

   

Innovation Gaps:

God resists employee feedback when presented with suggestions for improvement (Galileo, Darwin). Pattern of retaliation against whistleblowers (see: Inquisition), results in stifled innovation and creates a culture of fear.

Areas of Improvement:

God must establish a functional feedback channel and a public changelog. “Mysterious ways” does not meet documentation standards. Recommend immediate sunset of redundant features (Mosquitoes) and a root-cause review of legacy defects (Cancer) that have remained open since launch.

SECTION 5: EMPLOYEE WELL-BEING

Rating: 0/5 (Failure)

God’s track record here is weakest and deeply problematic with regard to overall performance: 

God created employees with capacity for suffering, then:

• Allowed suffering to exist unchecked
• Claimed suffering “builds character”
• Offered no mental health resources
• Promised rewards only after termination (Heaven)

Specific Failures:

• Children’s Cancer: Exists. God has not explained why.
• Natural Disasters: Kill indiscriminately. When employees ask why, God’s representatives say “mysterious ways” (see: Communication Issues, Section 4).
• The Problem of Evil: After millennia of employee complaints, still no satisfactory answer to “if you’re all-powerful and all-good, why does evil exist?”
• Work-Life Balance: Demands worship 24/7. Sabbath “rest day” still requires church attendance (work). No PTO. No sick days. Employment contract is eternal with no exit clause except death, followed by performance review (Judgment) that determines eternal assignment.
• Gender Equity: Created woman as “helper” to man (Genesis 2:18). Subsequent policies disproportionately impact female employees (childbirth pain, menstruation, historical exclusion from leadership roles).
• LGBTQ+ Inclusion: Leviticus policies created hostile work environment for LGBTQ+ employees. While Jesus later suggested “love thy neighbor,” formal policy was never updated, leading to centuries of discrimination.
• Disability Accommodations: Multiple instances of blaming disability on employee sin (John 9:2). This violates ADA and creates culture of shame.

Areas of Improvement: 

God must reevaluate well-being policies and practices and start over. Nothing short of a 180 will suffice.

SECTION 6: RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK

Rating: 0/5 (Failure)

Throughout review period, employees have provided extensive feedback, and God has either responded poorly or not responded at all.

Specific examples include:

• Job: “Why do the righteous suffer?”

         God’s response: Crickets, then “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?” (Deflection, hostile tone)

• Humans: “Please stop childhood cancer”

         God’s response: [No response]

• Humans: “Can we get clarity on the afterlife situation?”

         God’s response: Multiple contradictory reports from field representatives

Pattern:

When questioned, God either:

1. Doesn’t respond
2. Responds with riddles (Book of Job)
3. Sends plagues (Egypt, various)
4. Claims employees lack understanding to comprehend divine plan

This is classic absentee management combined with refusal to be held accountable.

Areas of Improvement:

God must respond to employee tickets with resolutions rather than riddles, weather, or livestock. Recommend closing the Job ticket, open since antiquity and still the highest-rated unresolved issue on record. Marking concerns “read” without reply is no longer acceptable practice.

SECTION 7: SUMMARY ASSESSMENT

Overall Rating: 1.16/5

God is not meeting basic requirements of the Creator/Manager role. While initial universe design showed promise, ongoing performance has been characterized by:

• Poor communication
• Inconsistent introduction and application of policy
• Failure to address employee well-being (suffering, death etc.)
• Retaliatory behavior toward whistleblowers
• Absenteeism
• Lack of accountability

Recommended course of action: Performance Improvement Plan (PIP)

Including individual review section recommendations, God must demonstrate measurable improvement in the following areas within the next review cycle (millennium):

1. Respond to employee concerns (specifically: childhood cancer, natural disasters, why bad things happen to good people)
2. Clarify afterlife policies (provide current, written documentation accessible to all employees, not just those who lived in Middle East 2,000 years ago)
3. Update outdated policies (Leviticus needs full revision; Deuteronomy contains provisions no longer applicable)
4. Improve communication (recommend quarterly All-Hands meetings minimum)
5. Address favoritism (implement transparent criteria for blessings, miracles, answered prayers)

Failure to meet PIP requirements may result in:

• Demotion
• Reassignment
• Termination of managerial authority
• Transfer of Creator role to employee-run collective

Your job is in jeopardy.

REVIEWER COMMENTS

As someone who worked under God’s management for 47 years before my employment was terminated (cancer—see Section 5: Employee Well-Being), I feel compelled to say the following:

I gave this job everything. I showed up. I followed the rules as best I could. I prayed. I tried to be good.

And when I asked why—why my daughter’s best friend died at eight from leukemia, why my grandmother forgot her own name, why there’s tsunamis and genocides and famines—I got silence.

Not mysterious silence. Not divine silence.

Just silence.

The same silence you get from any bad manager who’s checked out, who’s collecting a paycheck, who’s stopped caring if the people under them are suffering.

This is my official evaluation:

You’re not meeting expectations.

You’re not even trying.

If I could fire you, I would.

But I can’t.

You’re God.

And that’s the whole problem, isn’t it?

You’re unfireable.

Untouchable.

Unaccountable.

The ultimate absentee boss who’s never around but still wants credit when things go right, and claims “mysterious ways” when things go wrong.

Here’s what I know: If you were any other manager—if you were human, fallible, present—you’d have been fired millennia ago.

So take this review for what it is.

A reckoning you’ll never read. 

A complaint you’ll never answer.

A voice you’ve ignored, a voice you’ve forgotten.

But I’m saying it anyway.

Someone has to.

You failed us.

All of us.

And we deserve better.

REVIEWER SIGNATURE: Dana Wall

DATE: The Day After Everything

SUPERVISOR ACKNOWLEDGMENT: [Unsigned]

This review will be retained in the employee’s permanent file. As the employee is omniscient, no notification is necessary. As the employee is eternal, no review cycle will follow. As the employee is unfireable, no action will be taken.